Wednesday, December 31, 2014

End of the year thoughts.

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh :)

It is the final day of 2014. To be honest. I didn't even realise the time passing this year. For the most part, this year has been a big blurr. Months were spent just lazing around at home. Heh.

2014 had had its ups and downs. Generally, it has been a tough year for Malaysia. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'uun. Hopefully, all the disasters and calamities have taught us about how fragile life is, and how we should not take our love ones for granted.

On a smaller scope, this year has been another year of growing and learning for me (duh isn't that every year). Alhamdulillah, Allah SWT still grants me life until this day. This year, I got my driving liscense. This year, I entered (pre-) university. This year, I turned 18.

Not being in school anymore and entering university has somewhat taught me to be more mature. Alhamdulillah I was able to get into the foundation program that I wanted. Getting into foundation of law really felt like I was starting to take charge of my life. I needed to stop being childish and immature, because I'm basically entering the "transition" phase into adulthood. This is the starting point to a career path that I have chosen. A step closer to achieving aspirations, insyaAllah.

This year, I have also learned to be more independent, in terms of not being so clingy. People come and people go. People enter our lives, and we should consider them as guests, not prisoners. I mean, some people will leave, and we can't do anything about it. We can't demand people to stay in our lives, no matter how much we want to, no matter how many times they said they will stay.

A lot of the times, there are people who are there for us, who never left our side, but we are too blind to see. Our family, our friends. Don't take them for granted, cherish them. In search of loyal companions, we should also put in effort to become good ones, ourselves. Don't just search for good friends, be one.

There will be times when you need to help yourself. Even if everybody else in the world is trying to help you, not much can be done if you refuse to help yourself. You'd be surprised at the things you can achieve by yourself too. Other people may not always be there for you, but you should always be there for yourself. Needless to say, we should always ultimately depend on God Almighty, not His creatures. We are never alone.

"Do not grieve, Allah is with us" (At-Tawbah 9:40)

"and We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein." (Qaf 50:16)

I feel that if we are able to be in control of ourselves, insyaAllah we will be fine. What I mean by this 'self-control' is being able stand firm with our values, and not be easily influenced and gullible. Other than that, it also means to make smart decisions for ourselves. Doing things (maybe even making life decisions) because we want to, not because it's a "trend", or because that's what people told you to do. However, It does not mean that we should do whatever the hell we want, and shut out what other people have to say about it. People with more wisdom and experience can give you great advice, but it is up to you to critically consider to risks and chances. After all, with the decisions we make, we have to face the consequences, be it good or bad.

Self-control for me is also about being in control of our emotions. Being emotionally stable sure makes life a lot easier. We should refrain from being over-emotional. Not only does it cause unncessary drama, it may also lead to bad decisions. The world will hurt us sometimes. It happens. It's normal. It's life. But we need to repair ourselves. Personally, I sometimes have "breakdowns" and "episodes". These are times of sadness, basically. Under certain circumstances I would just allow myself to wallow in the sadness, but once it ends, it ends. Like, I tell myself, "It's okay to be sad, but just tonight, ok?".

In times of despair, remember,

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with what within] its capacity..." (Al-Baqarah , 2:286)

and, one of my favourite verses from the Holy Quran,

"Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease." (Ash-Sharh 94:6)

In a conversation I had with my friend earlier, he asked "if you were given a wish, what would it be? or maybe... if you could fix anything in the past, what would it be?". Eventhough he wasn't seriously asking (we were thinking about questions people would ask if we promised to answer one question honestly), an answer came to mind.

My answer: I wish to make peace with my past. I don't think I'm only talking about 2014 when I'm saying this. This is about a lot of things I have been dragging along with me. I don't want to change anything (mostly because I have accepted the reality that the past cannot be changed), but I want to accept it entirely. To move on. Yes, the past cannot be changed, but we can change the way we view it. Instead of regrets and mistakes, see lessons. It's hard to move forward if we keep looking back. Instead of wasting energy dwelling in the past, we should focus more on making a brighter future. A part of it involves forgiving myself, I guess. Forgiving myself for not achieving certain things, forgiving myself for my own mistakes, forgiving myself for the times I've disappointed myself. To not be too hard on myself. And of course, forgiving other people. By making peace with my past, I make peace with myself.

So, 2015, huh?

I don't really do resolutions, but one thing I'm sure that I want to achieve in 2015 is getting into law school. God willing, I want to enter UiTM Shah Alam for a degree in legal studies. In order to qualify, I need a 3.0 CGPA (at least). Band 4 in MUET (a least), and pass an interview with the faculty. Please pray for me, Jazakallah khairan katheeran. To be honest, I don't have any back up plans. So I guess failure is not an option.

2015 will be about loving... myself (first). To appreciate myself. Being confident, and fighting self-hatred. To be honest, I don't actually loathe myself (like up to the point it can lead to depression and stuff, nauzubillahi min zalik) but sometimes I can be so hard on myself. I'd like to lessen that. Less breakdowns and episodes. I know I will experience sadness because it is utterly impossible to be immune from it, but I hope I will be able to handle it better. Of course, this has a lot to do with what I said about being at peace with myself. If I'm happy and positive about myself, it will definitely be easier to radiate the happiness and positivity to others. Loving myself, so that I can love others. 

Besides that, I hope to become a better person, in every way that I can. to improve. InsyaAllah.

Lastly, I would like to apologise for all my shortcomings and wrongdoings, the ones committed on purpose or accidental, whether it was within your knowledge or not. Please forgive me.

I would also like to thank my friends who have helped me through 2014 (and the years before). I appreciate it very much, may Allah SWT reward you for your kindness.

Happy new year, may it be filled with happiness and blessings. Amiin. :)

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